"Talents" thoughts, Part 1

During a recent sermon, my pastor made a reference to the parable of the talents in a way with which I had not previously connected.  I have always viewed the story from the standpoint of the ending, of how many talents each was able to earn for the Master.  But I got a different insight when the minister emphasized the start of the story:
" To one he gave five talents of gold, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability" (Matt 25:15).  

I hadn't seen it before.  They started off differently.  It was a decision of the Master to give differing amounts to each servant.  Maybe the importance for me is not in what they ended with but what they started with.  I have struggled with my faith for years now, coming up on at least a decade.  I have looked at those in church who sing and lift arms to Him in praise, those who sway to the music; these are things that don't come to me.  I have looked at those for whom faith has been solid, firm, straightforward, clear and compelling; for me it has always been full of questions, sidebars, ambiguity, and doubts in my journey.  I've always wondered why there are those who can clearly show and experience the love of God, the Joy of the Lord, and ....then there's me, an Eeyore in the Hundred Faithful Woods.

I suspect that I have talents in varying degrees in different areas of my life (some would say "well d-u-h" but they aren't clear to me).  Some of them may be 5 talents sized skills and abilities, some of them one talent sized.  Maybe in the area of faith, I've been given one talent...or a penny (for which two sparrows are sold). A single talent.  Maybe it has just been my allotment to have a smaller starter amount than most others.  The amount of talents given were not determined by the servants, and not based on any feature we can discern, but given by Him based on abilities as determined by the Master.   

So perhaps I should learn to rest with the single talent size of faith that I have. Perhaps I should just acknowledge that the I AM who made me, granted to me the life long challenge of dealing with my Thomas faith, my Jonah attitude, my Gideon courage.  

I just....I just feel so poor sometimes.