Still.....

I have been in this parched, withering, God-forsaken wilderness and God-search mode for so many years I no longer can remember a time when I was quiet and still with my faith and beliefs.  For so many years now, there have been so many struggles  so much angst and pain....and yet still no solution.   I feel like David in his worst times....How long Oh Lord will I struggle so, will you let me flail around looking for you while all the while remain quiet and hidden? I have even (finally?) started to question why I question, to impugn my own motives.  While I originally started with the question of what I was, was to do, was to become after the divorce, it has become more.  That much was, perhaps, the inevitable outcome of the divorce and the apocalyptic dissolution and desolation of my world, my expectations, my past, and my future.  Looking for reasons and a path  forward would be expected. 

But I never found that new world, that undiscovered, uncharted land.  I still seek to have connections with God....and to find another partner for this life.  The questions have grown,  and have grown deeper, perhaps more cynical.  Questions about the trinity and our singular fixation on the person of Jesus to the exclusion of the two parts of the One who is the One, the I AM.  Questions about why certain sins are viewed as anathema, while others are accepted without judgment and condemnation or ostracism. Questions on how scripture written 2-3000 years ago is to be read and interpreted in these times, and how/if the OT impacts us today if at all.  What "spin" have we put on Scripture in 2000 years, adopting church-made terms and phrases and perspectives as though they were actually what was written. 

And yet, I still seek God, still yearn to love Him and to be loved by Him.  I have learned in the past six or eight years that despite my "feelings" I must posses a strong-ish faith of some type, or I'd have just walked away and given up by now.  I recently (finally) came to realize that God knows my particular, specific, debilitating sins/sin nature and isn't repulsed, doesn't cast me into a particular circle of hell for it.  But I haven't realized the grace of that knowledge He has.

I know that who/what I am has changed over these years, not enough perhaps but at least noticeably.  I care more about others, I give more, I accept more.  Do I love more?  I don't know; I think so but I'm not able to really know.  I still don't "feel" His presence and His Grace.  I still 'feel' like I belong tossed into the trash heap of worth and relations.

But I plod on .......still....still.