Life changing phrase

Words fill our lives everyday, sometimes washing over like a tsunami in their shear volume and relentlessness.  Yet, on rare occasions, a few pithy word become life altering and direction changing.

Several years ago I was part of a study group at church for those new to faith, or newly returned.  For me, it was newly returned, after years of being a faithless, murmuring follower (see Exodus and Numbers).  The most salient part of that study was not the study itself, as good as it was, but a word spoken by one of the members.  As we went around the opening introductions, Erin described herself as "...a world champion God-wrestler". 

In that moment, in that phrase, I knew/heard that it was alright to have doubts and questions.  I heard that it was alright for my faith to push back and to challenge and grapple with the Truth.  I heard God-wrestler, not like Moses protesting his lack of skill (Exodus 4), or Gideon asking for repeated fleeces (Judges 6), but grappling and wrestling like Jacob with the angel ...or was it God himself (Genesis 32)...striving for a blessing.

It has been six years since I heard that phrase.  I've not seen Erin since then, to tell her how significant and life changing that phrase has been. I have heard since then, or perhaps just focused more as a result of the phrase, of those who have challenged God -- Abraham, Moses, David, Elijah, Job...Thomas.  These years have been my own Jacob-time, freely acknowledged.  Its been interesting too, as I've going along, to find out how many others have questions, although generally they are not as many as mine!

So I keep wrestling.  I don't think I've had my hip touched yet or gone lame (but interestingly I think I have a touch of arthritis in my right hip!), but I continue to wrestle.  Grace. Legalism. Faith. Love. Works, Church. Forgiveness. Salvation.   In that phrase I gained a freedom to explore that I had not had before.  Freedom to talk to God openly and directly about His word, His Church, and about....his adopted son, me.  Ultimately, I want to close the 18" gap between my head and my heart.  I want to love and experience God with all my heart and mind and soul. 

Wrestling involves contact, intimacy, and going through all of this may be a sign that the gap is closing. 

I hope so.