Knocking on the door, Rattlin at the Gates

Another long walk (I walk a lot), another faith image that comes to mind (I think a lot during my walks).

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock...."  It's from Revelation 3:20, and within evangelical circles is famous for describing how Jesus seeks to enter the heart of all who seek Him and all who cry out to Him, so that all who call on Him, who ask Him into their lives, may be saved.  Yet, God will not force us into belief, it is a decision for us to make based on our will.  We are not automatons, and while He could have made us perfect, it would have required a loss of our will.  I've heard it described that God is a gentleman and would not force Himself onto us, He must be invited in to our lives.

I feel at times that more than Him standing at the door of my heart and knocking, that at times I stand at the Lord's gates, looking in. Or maybe sometimes it feels like I'm standing and shaking the fence and gates, trying to get in.  Taking the handle and frantically and repeatedly pulling on it in the same desperate way the kids in slasher movies are trying to open a door to escape the killer.  I want in, want safety, shelter, sanctuary.  I know there is a killer after me.  I know what a "killer" life is , know that it and its henchmen are after me.  So I know I need, and want, God in my life.

I wonder sometimes if I'm slow to see the door open to let Him in.  Or perhaps I am not inviting enough to Him.  Sort of like my ex is, when I she stands inside the house and opens the door but stands as a human barricade to keep it from opening too far, or allowing me too much opportunity to enter.  Am I like that with God?  I want to surrender my will and my life to God.  I've prayed.  I've repented,  I've fallen.  I've gotten up again.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

I think I expect, or maybe better yet I hope for, a mountain top experience (like Elijah in 1Kings 19, or the apostles with Jesus in Matthew 17).  To have one of those moments where the heavens open up and a dove descends (Mark 1). (Okay, a bit over the top but it drives home a point).  Maybe the Lord has responded and has made His way in to my life and is making Himself at home. Maybe He's already /still here working on the defects in my life/home.

Defects?  Oh yes -- faulty wiring, hazardous materials, maybe even an unsafe foundation.  I think maybe it's not so much unsafe as settling (do you think? ;)

Maybe I'm turned around and am already on the right side of the gates.  Maybe my compassion for others, my engaging the LORD in prayer and discussion, my yearning to fill the voids Pascal references inside of me with Him and not other things.....maybe this is evidence I'm on the right side of the fence after all.

Now that's a nice thought :)