Questioning heart

Over the course of years, I have found that different versions of the Bible have the ability, through their choice of words or the structure of those words, to impact me in new or challenging ways.  It is the variation in how a thought or phrase is worded that can impact me at different times in my life.

The section in Mark 2 is one that hit me one morning recently at church.  It is even possible that I didn't initially hear it correctly, but heard it with a God-directed ear. 

"Why do you question these things in your heart?"

It's a bring-me-up-short question.  I don't want to be a Pharisee.  They could see and hear first had the Word of God made flesh, and yet were unwilling to see Him as He was, and to see Him for who He was.  They were so wrapped up in their legalistic, hypocritical, self-important world of self-justification that this missed God's Word dwelling among them.  And I wonder if I do any better?  Am I missing Him because of my own self-regulating nature, a fear of letting go and trusting Him?  Am I questioning because I am seeking or because I am trying to escape Him (as though you could flee from a God who finds you wherever you are ....Psalm 139:7-12)?

On the other hand, I hear acceptance of honest questioning.  Nicodemus questioned, and it was fine (John 3).  Nathaniel questioned  (John 1:45-49) but believed and accepted the Living Truth.  Thomas doubted and Jesus reached out to him (John 20).  So I 'hear' that questions and questioning are acceptable.  Or at least they are until they become so stubborn that they cause the mind to choke off the heart (Matt 13:22) and blind the eyes, as happened to the Pharisees.

I even question sometimes why it is that I want to believe.  Do I really want Jesus to be my Christ and Lord and light of my life?  Or do I want to believe and hope that He will provide a human helpmate to me?  Do I love HIM, or do I just not want the heartache of not being special to anyone anymore?

Regardless, my prayers these days are just Jesus take my will and my life, to be the love of my life, and let me desire to draw ever closer to you.
Amen.